Most of us have played Connect 4 with our kids
at some point, most likely back in the good ol’ days when they still begged for
attention. Now it seems the tables have turned - the big eyes that once pleaded
for parental favor are rolling at everything we say. Hall (1916) referred to
adolescence as a time of storm and stress. It’s no wonder that because of this
prevailing portrait of teendom, many parents feel ambivalent about facing this
stage with their children. Though the majority of them wouldn’t admit it, teens
need their parents more than ever. Research has shown that teens are less
likely to engage in delinquency when they have a strong connection to one or
both parents (Hair, Moore, Garrett, Ling, & Cleveland, 2008). So, in a
world polluted with parenting advice, we submit that the best way to parent a
teenager is . . . to play Connect 4!
During the next several weeks, six lessons will
be presented on this blog that will help you Connect 4 Your Teen. Every
parenting skill you gain from this curriculum is another Connect 4 chip in your
column, and one step closer to winning the game!
Weekly lessons will cover:
· The vital nature of the
parent-teen relationship
· Different parenting
styles and how each one affects the parent-teen relationship and the teen’s
behavior
· Setting limits, gradual
autonomy granting, and conquering conversations about sex, drugs, or other
sensitive topics
· Antisocial behavior such
as delinquency, depression, and suicide
· Prosocial behavior such
as academic achievement, appropriate development, and self-esteem
· Teens and technology -
specifically, technology addiction, social media, cyberbullying, and parental
monitoring
Since there’s no time like the present (and
those teens aren’t getting any younger), let’s start right away! First up: the parent-teen connection.
In his book, Roehling (2003) states that a
highly involved family can be a safe haven for teenagers. Connecting with your
teens can provide this haven.
One study found that positive relationships
between adolescents and their parents predicted significantly lower levels of
delinquency and higher levels of well-being (Hair et al., 2008). The same study
also documented the efficacy of family activities in discouraging acting-out
behavior (Hair et al., 2008). How do you know if you have a positive
relationship with your teen? Ask them! For the parental relationship to run
interference for teens, it must be perceived as positive by the teen (Hair et
al., 2008).
Not only does the parent-teen connection
discourage delinquency and promote mental wellbeing in adolescents (Hair et.
al, 2008), it may have physical benefits as well. One study observed greater
response to flu vaccines in children with positive parental connections. The
researchers actually documented greater antibody production in kids who had
good parental relations (O’Connor et al., 2015). We’re going to go out on a
limb here, and declare that the importance of the parent-teen connection simply
cannot be overstated!
As previously stated, the teenage years are a
significant time of development and both parents and teens have many
challenges. What will you do to foster a positive connection with your teen?
Start by taking a moment to see how you are doing:
· How do I balance freedom
and safety for my teen?
· How do I help shape my
teen’s identity based on values?
· How do I help my teen
without offending them and pushing them away?
· Do I feel connected to
my teen?
Watch this short video about the development of
teens. Hopefully, this clip will be able to capture the essence of this
complicated stage for you.
Learning Outcomes
Let’s get connected!
Don’t assume that, since you're the parent, you
are connected with your teen. Teens are in the stage of their life where they
want to be their OWN person. The adorably dimpled toddlers who once depended on
Mom and Dad for everything morph into angsty beings vying for independence.
However, teens still need their parents, possibly more than ever. Consider the
following suggestions:
1. Identify strengths and
weaknesses in your current relationship with your teen
2. Set goals for
strengthening the parent-teen relationship
3. Learn about parenting
practices best suited for parent-teen interactions
Sometimes parents and teens just don’t get each other. Take this
clip from Freaky Friday, for instance:
Other than allowing yourself a humorous interlude, what did you
gain from watching this clip? What did you learn? Take a moment to write down
what impressed you most. How will you incorporate these impressions into your
parenting?
Now, onto homework!
Reflection Questions
Taking time to reflect on this post can help strengthen your
skills as a parent:
·
If asked, would my teen say that he or she has a positive
relationship with me?
·
When was the last time I asked my teen about his/her day, then
listened to the answer?
·
Do I know what makes my teen feel loved? Have I used this method
to communicate my affection?
Challenge
What can you do this week for another chip in your Connect 4
board? Consider the following ideas:
·
Schedule time to ask your teen questions
·
Take a self-test to see how involved you really are
·
Find one thing you can do differently this week to connect
That’s all for this week! Next time
on Connect 4 Your Teen:
“Which Way?” - Explore different
parenting styles and how each one affects the parent-teen relationship and
adolescent behavior.
Please take a moment to leave some feedback on this post!
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Please take a moment to leave some feedback on this post!
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REFERENCES:
Hall, G.S. (1916).
Adolescence. New York, NY. Appleton.
Hair, E.C., Moore, K.A.,
Garrett, S.B., Ling, T., & Cleveland, K. (2008). The continued importance
of quality parent-adolescent relationships during late adolescence. Journal
of Research on Adolescence, 18, 187-200.
O’Connor, T.G., Wang,
H., Moynihan, J.A., Wyman, P.A., Carnahan, J., Lofthus, G., Quataert, S.A.,
Bowman, M., Burke, A.S., & Caserta, M.T. (2015). Observed parent–child relationship quality
predicts antibody response to vaccination in children. Brain Behavior and
Immunity, 48, 265-273.
Roehling, P.V., Moeh, P., & Batt, R. (2003). When work spills over into the home and home spills over into work. In p. Moen (Ed.), It's about time: Couples and careers (PP.101-121). Ithaca, NY: Cornell University Press.
PHOTO/VIDEO REFERENCES:
Amazon. (2018). Connect
Four replacement checkers. Retrieved from:
Dixon, L., & Hach,
H. (2003, August 6). Freaky Friday [Video file]. Retrieved from: https://youtu.be/HB2fUjeDR30
Moffit, M. (2016,
February 14). Why are teens so moody? [Video file]. Retrieved from https://youtu.be/du8siPJ1ZKo
Pinterest. (2018). UCLA
quarterback Brett Hundley (17) runs interference for running back Johnathan
Franklin. Retrieved from: https://www.google.com/search?q=run+interference&source=lnms&tbm=isch&sa=X&ved=0ahUKEwiUvP6DzZbZAhVNvlMKHV-JA3QQ_AUICygC&biw=1280&bih=615#imgrc=vSKjQ4KLDNiRMM
Queensmedallion.com. (2018). Retrieved from: https://www.google.com/search?biw=1280&bih=615&tbm=isch&sa=1&ei=lWl8WrTxGYXwzgLw27nQBg&q=safe+from+storm&oq=safe+from+storm&gs_l=psy-ab.3..0i5i30k1j0i8i30k1.3096.6883.0.7073.20.19.0.0.0.0.112.1158.16j1.18.0....0...1.1.64.psy-ab..3.16.1108.0..0j0i67k1j0i24k1.129.R1N0P69niX8#imgdii=w7ggN_UmHr0JFM:&imgrc=JonPxEzvH5W7NM
