Hello all! If you followed some or all of the 6 lessons on Connect 4 Your Teen, would you mind taking a quick minute to answer 10 simple agree/disagree survey questions? Our final evals for the efficiency of our lessons is due this week and we would greatly appreciate some more feedback!
Addiction, Parental Monitoring, Social Media, &
Cyberbullying
Addiction
When the authors of this blog
surveyed parents to find out what their concerns were in parenting teens,
roughly 44% responded with concerns regarding teens and technology. It is
estimated that American teens spend an average of nine hours per day on their
devices - outside of school and homework (Siegle, 2017). Technology addiction
functions similarly to drug addiction: “the constant and instant feedback
technology users receive causes the release of the brain chemical dopamine,
which makes users feel good and crave more. The quicker and more frequently
they are reinforced, the more addictive it becomes” (Siegle, 2017, pp. 234
& Greenfield, 2017). Clearly, technology addiction is a real problem! Do
you think your teen might be addicted to their device? Here are some warning
signs to look for:
· Preoccupation with
tech
·Being unable to limit
tech participation
·Loss of interest in
other (non-tech) activities
·Being untruthful about
the amount of time spent on tech
·Relationship &
school problems due to tech usage
(Siegle, 2017)
So, what can parents do? It all
comes back to Connect 4 Your Teen. Remember Lesson 3 when we talked
about gradual autonomy granting? This lesson will compliment the concept of
setting limits with your teen. Setting limits and gradual autonomy granting are
ways for parents to monitor teens and tech.
Parental Monitoring
Over the course of this blog, we
have (hopefully) been able to help you identify some important chips for your Connect
4 Your Teen board. Now is
the time to put all the chips in your board and use them! When it comes to
teens and technology, parents can’t afford to take a hands-off approach. While
technology can be a positive thing in our lives, it also “provides
opportunities for abuses such as plagiarism, cyberbullying, viewing
inappropriate content, and technology addiction. The severity and ramification
of each of these varies, but all are areas educators and parents should not
ignore and should discuss with young people” (Siegle, 2017, pp. 232).
Here are some suggestions for monitoring and setting limits
on your teen’s technology usage:
Don’t get your teen a
smartphone just because everyone else has one! Make them wait until you think
they can handle it.
Allow access to
different internet sites by degrees according to their age: 12 for email, 14
for Facebook, etc. (gradual autonomy granting!)
When you do give them
a smartphone, do it with the understanding that they will hand it over to you
at any time without question.
Ask your teen to hand
over their phone at random intervals to check their texts and other
communications - no deleting allowed!
Set “red light” hours
when tech usage is prohibited, such as before school or during family dinner.
Better yet, set “green
light” hours when limited tech is allowed, and cap this time off at a certain
number of hours per day.
Set up computers and
gaming consoles in a public place in the house.
No devices allowed in
bedrooms at any time!
Consider having your
teen do something to earn their tech time, such as reading, exercising,
practicing their instrument, or going outside.
If you monitor your
teen’s tech, realize you are one of the few parents who do and you are going to
take some flack for it - probably from your teen, his/her friends, and even
other parents!
When parents don’t monitor their
teen’s technology usage, it can lead to trouble. Trouble can be anything from
breaking something to committing a crime. One of the less-noticeable troubles
often happens right under our noses: bullying!
Take a look at the picture below! Are you the parent that
is oblivious?
Looking at the statistics on this picture, how do you rate?
The best way to prevent tech problems is to be aware! This video is a great
introduction to how to start:
Social Media
Social media can be a positive
thing - it’s fun to connect with friends, share your day, and have a good
laugh! However, not all people are competent enough to understand how their
actions affect others, and teens are no exception. Because the teenage brain is
still developing, adolescents are still learning how to communicate and express
their feelings and emotions (raisingchildren.net, n.d.) Here, parental
monitoring comes in again. Consider only allowing your teen on the social media
platforms that you use as parents. That way you can check up on them! If you
have a partner, consider the divide-and-conquer approach to following your teen
on different sites so nothing gets missed. More importantly, set a good example
for your teen by not saying or doing anything on social media that you would
not say or do in person.
Cyberbullying
Think about the term “bully.” What
comes to mind? Take a minute to watch this clip from the movie Zootopia, which
does an excellent job demonstrating bullying:
This shows both sides of bullying,
the bully and the one who stands up to the bully. Even though the rabbit is
small, she isn’t afraid to stand up to the bully, the big fox, to help her
friends! How can parents, educators and other adults help teens learn this?
Stopbullying.gov is an excellent
website to find out how to understand and deal with bullying:
It is so easy to hide when we are
on social media, because it isn’t as confrontational as face to face.
Sometimes, using media is an easy way to vent. One of the authors of this blog
has a video to help you learn more about how detrimental venting on social
media can be, and how easily it can be turned into cyberbullying:
Research has shown that one way to combat cyberbullying is
through cooperation of schools, parents and teens working together (Beale &
Hall, 2017).
Here are seven ways that cyberbullying may occur:
1.Flaming -
intentionally sending angry messages directed at an individual or group
3.Denigration - posting
hurtful and false statements about someone to someone else
4.Cyberstalking -
harassment that is threatening
5.Masquerading - hiding
one’s true identity while posting hurtful comments about someone
6.Outing and trickery -
using information about someone and announcing it publicly
7.Exclusion -
intentionally excluding someone from an online activity
(Beale & Hall, 2017)
In conclusion, here’s a great, short clip about how much
damage can be done by a few texted words:
Reflective Questions & Challenge
What can you do this week for another chip in your Connect 4
board? Consider the following ideas:
·How much time does your
teen spend on technology outside of school and school work?
·Do you know what your
teen does while online?
·Have you talked to your
teen about being safe online?
·Does your teen know what
you expect from them while they’re online?
·Are you “friends” with
your teen online, or do you “follow” them?
·Would you be aware if
your teen had been cyberbullied, or had cyberbullied someone else?
·If there are changes to
be made, what is the best way to go about introducing these changes?
This completes the 6-part
curriculum on parenting teenagers! We hope you have enjoyed learning how to Connect
4 Your Teen, and have been able to enhance the relationship with your
teenager. Though it has been a busy few weeks for the authors, we have also
enjoyed the whirlwind of this virtual workshop! We would really appreciate you
taking the time to complete the evaluations at the end of each lesson - there are
only a few short questions which should take very little time to complete. We
understand how valuable your time is and really appreciate you spending some of
it with us. Please feel free to share this blog link with any parent who could
benefit from our presentations. And remember, Connect 4 Your Teen!
Reader
Survey:
Please take a moment to leave some feedback on this post!
Beale, A. V., & Hall, K. R. (2017). Cyberbullying: What
school administrators (and parents) can do. The Clearing House, 81(1), 8-12. Retrieved
from: http://www.jstor.org/stable/30189945
Cooley, C.H. (1902). Human nature and the social order.
New York, NY: Scribner’s.
Erickson, L. B., Wisniewski, P., Xu, H., Carroll, J. M.,
Rosson, M., B., Perkins, D., F. (2016). The boundaries between: Parental
involvement in a teen’s online world. Journal of the Association for
Information Science and Technology, 67(6), 1384–1403. doi:10.1002/asi.23450
Greenfield, D. (2017, February). Substance abuse and
addiction. Presentation at the Critical Connections: Fostering Cross-Functional
Conversations on Student Mental Health Conference, Hartford, CT.
Sartaj, B. & Aslam, N. (2010). Role of authoritative and authoritarian parenting in home, health, and emotional adjustment. Journal of Behavioural Sciences, 20, 47-66.
Siegle, D. (2017). The Dark Side of Using Technology. Gifted
Child Today, 40(4), 232-235.
Learning
about what it takes to help your teen be happy and healthy can be difficult.
Teens experience many struggles during this time of their lives, such as
academic pressure and forming their own morals and values. Just like carefully
looking both ways to cross a street, parents need to embrace this concept and Connect
4 Your Teen. Research has shown that a positive relationship with parents
can help teenagers develop a good attitude about school and positively impact
their academic achievement (Kocayor & Simsek, 2016).
Academic
Achievement
This
video helps parents see how influential they can be in their teens lives.
I
love the tips we learn in this video to help encourage academic success!
High Expectations: Ask how they can improve next time, and tell them you
know they can do better.
Talk about school: Be specific and let them talk about their experiences.
Let them feel smarter than you!
Develop good work habits: Encourage them to ask for help.
Help them learn to navigate a world with distractions.
Have a positive attitude: Ask them what they can do
different next time.
Read together: This creates a foundation for education. Read for fun
as well as phonics!
Would
it be safe to assume most parents want to see their child succeed? Probably,
but how does this happen? Is academic achievement merely being smart and
listening? Research helps us understand one answer to this question. In one
study, it was found that the attachment a parent and child have can help
encourage that child to engage in academics and school activities (Kocayor
& Simsek, 2016). It was also found that teens with a strong parent
attachment have a “working model of self and are more likely to express their feelings
and exhibit more positive social behaviors” (Kocayor & Simsek, 2016, pp.
415).
Identity
Development
The
teenage years are regarded as a time of rapid development. Therefore, building
an identity can be difficult alongside all the other pressures of life, and
self-image can be influenced by all these changes. Erikson (1993) helps us
understand this as he explains how teens go through the process of forming
their own identity. He explains how significant this process is for teens; one
of the most important times in their development. This is when teens explore
their sexual, social and personal identities (Erikson, 1993). Therefore, it’s
important to take note of how influential others are during this time of
self-searching and identity development. Teens compare themselves to others,
and therefore start building their new roles and identities around what others
think. This phenomenon is referred to as “The Looking Glass Self” (Cooley,
1902). How can we help our teens develop a positive self-image that ultimately
leads to healthy identity development? In the tsunami of positive parenting
propaganda in the world today, it is very easy to get overwhelmed. Rather than
look at everything you could (or perhaps should) be doing, let’s talk about one
common parenting pitfall to avoid.
Self-Esteem
Watch
the following video from one of our authors about self-esteem:
Here’s
what Prager University has to say about self-esteem:
What
do you think? Has your outlook on self-esteem changed? If you’re on the fence,
consider asking your kids what makes them feel good about themselves, and then
decide for yourself!
The
Developing Teen
One
thing that can interfere with appropriate development for teens is lack of
sleep. With more homework, increased extracurricular involvement, and later
curfews, most teens probably get much less sleep than they need. According to
the National Sleep Foundation, teens still need 8-10 hours of sleep, and only
about 15% of teens get this much (National Sleep Foundation, n.d.). Here, we
can once again pull in gradual autonomy granting and state that parents
still need to monitor their adolescents’ needs for structure and bedtime
routines.
My
sixteen-year-old daughter is extremely extroverted. She draws energy from
social events and being around groups of people in general. She absolutely
hates missing out on things! She also wants to be involved in various clubs,
sports, and activities at school. More than once, this mama bear has had to put
her foot down and insist that she is stretching herself too thin.
While
extracurricular involvement is positively related to academic achievement
(Mahoney & Cairns, 1997), too much of a good thing can quickly lead to
burnout for teens as well as parents. As parents, we must have the courage to
say “no” to some good things in the interest of better things, like optimal physical,
emotional, and mental development. As a matter of interest, my extroverted
daughter still goes to bed 8:00 p.m. every night - right along with her younger
siblings!
Reflective Questions & Challenge
What can you do this week for another chip in your Connect 4
board? Consider the following ideas:
Ask your teen how school is
going
Start reading a new book
together
Ask your teen what makes them
feel good about themselves
Find something to praise your
teen for
Ponder whether your teen gets
enough sleep
Ask yourself if your teen is
overscheduled - if so, how can you help them cut back?
That’s
all for this week! Next time on Connect 4 Your Teen:
“Teens and Technology” – Addiction, Parental
Monitoring, Social Media, & Cyberbullying
Reader
Survey:
Please take a moment to
leave some feedback on this post!
Cooley, C.H. (1902). Human
nature and the social order. New York, NY: Scribner’s.
Erikson, E. (1993). Childhood
and Society (3rd ed.). New York, NY: Norton.
Kocayor, E. &
Simsek, O. F. (2016). Parental attachment and adolescents’ perception of school
alienation: The mediation role of self-esteem and adjustment. The Journal of
Psychology, 150,(4), 405–421.
Mahoney, J. & Cairns, R. (1997). Do extracurricular activities protect against early school dropout? Developmental Psychology, 33(2), 241-253.
People for Education.
(2014). Helping your kids succeed in school. Retrieved from: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=D0S_gLw9pXg&feature=youtu.be
Pulsipher, M. (2018). Self-esteem. [Video file]. Retrieved from: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=SQ7pNPWk1TE&feature=youtu.be
Teenage Survival Coach. (n.d.). Teenage sleep. How much is needed? Retrieved from: https://teenagesurvivalcoach.com.au/teenage-sleep-how-much-is-needed/
Virily. (n.d.). This will happen to you if you look at yourself in a mirror too much. Retrieved from: https://virily.com/beauty-health/will-happen-look-mirror-much/
Walsh, M. (2017, 14 September). Why self-esteem is self-defeating. [Video file]. Prager University. Retrieved from: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=B8XYmA_8-H4
Before we dive into Lesson 4, how
did you do on last week’s challenges?
How does setting limits show love for my teen?
Though my teen may complain about rules, how do they really
feel?
What are the consequences of not setting limits for my teen?
Now, onto Lesson 4! This week we
will discuss depression, delinquency,
and suicide prevention.
Lesson 4: “How to Save a [Teen] Life”
Depression
Have you ever put on a pair of
tinted glasses and marveled at how the world seemed to change color before your
eyes? Many of us probably know someone who is colorblind. A colorblind person
can understand their condition, and that it means they don’t see colors in
their true form, the way non-colorblind people do. They can even listen as
those people describe the world in vivid colors that they will never see. Even
though colorblind individuals know that they are colorblind, and understand
that they aren’t seeing the world as it really is, this does not change the way
the world looks to them.
Take a look at these two photos. How
does each picture make you feel?
You might be surprised to learn that
this is the same image with two different lenses. For those who struggle with
emotional color blindness, this analogy is a striking representation of
negativity and depression. A depressed person might understand that their
gray-tinted glasses keep them from seeing the world as it really is. They might
have learned all about thought distortions (Burns, 1999)and how to get around them. They might have
memorized The Power of Positive Thinking
(Peale, 1952). And still, trying to function with such an emotional impairment
is a daily battle.
So, what does this have to do with
your teen? Take a look at these statistics on teen depression:
“Approximately 20 percent of teens
will experience depression before they reach adulthood.
Between 10 to 15% of teenagers have some symptoms of depression at any one time.
Depression increases a teen’s risk
for attempting suicide by 12 times.
30 percent of teens with depression
also develop a substance abuse problem.
Depressed teens usually have a
smaller social circle and take advantage of fewer career and educational
opportunities.
Depressed teens are more likely to
have trouble at school and in jobs, and to struggle with relationships."
Your teen might not be in that 20%
of adolescents who experience depression . . . but what if they are? And can
you be sure they are not? The following video clip demonstrates how parents may
not always know what is really going on beneath the surface of their teenager.
For teens, depression consists of a
cloud of emotions and feelings raining down on them.
Parental support is crucial for
teens with depressive symptoms. Don’t overlook signs of sleeping all the time
or not wanting to be social as “normal” teen behavior.
This clip shows Eeyore in all his
glory! Sad and depressed!
Understanding how teenagers feel can
be like putting a puzzle together with your eyes closed. It can be very
frustrating as a parent, and many times you
feel like a failure. Good news: it’s not you. It is common knowledge that
teenagers go through many physical and emotional changes during adolescence,
and peers can be very influential at this time (Keijsers et al., 2012). This
being said, this is the time they
need parents to Connect 4 Your Teen
the most!
Delinquency
Wouldn’t it be great if teens
listened all the time? Without objection? It would be smooth sailing. In the
last two lessons, we learned about parenting styles and gradual autonomy
granting. Both of these things are important steps in preventing delinquency.
Research tells us how important adequate supervision of our teens’ friends can
be in preventing delinquency. When parents are aware of teens’ friends, it is a
great tool to be in tune with what their teen is doing. (Keijsers et al., 2012)
Teens who find themselves on the road to delinquency need their parents more than
ever. Parents can help teens understand why delinquent behavior is not a
favorable course to take.It has been
found that teens who spend time with delinquent friends may then be more likely
to participate in delinquent activities themselves due to exposure (Keijsers et
al., 2012). This is where Connect 4 Your
Teen comes in. Connecting with your teen is your ticket to preventing
delinquency. A study done in 2002 showed that teen perceptions of social
support, parental supervision, and classroom participation reduced the
incidence of delinquency in 5th and 6th grade students (Morrison, Robertson,
Laurie, & Kelly, 2002).
Consider the following suggestions
for discouraging delinquency:
Foster positive relationships through connection rituals
Carve out family time
Get your teen engaged with school
Monitor activities
Let them know they have a support system
(Office of Juvenile Delinquency,
n.d.)
Suicide
According to research, there are
specific risk and protective factors associated with suicide attempts in
adolescence:
Risk Factors (associated with
INCREASED suicide attempts)
Alcohol & substance abuse
Physical or sexual abuse
Poverty
Psychological disorders
Impulsiveness
Social isolation
Access to lethal means
Sexual minority status
Previous suicide attempts
(Fitzgerald et al., 2017)
Protective Factors (associated with DECREASED suicide attempts):
Positive relationships with parents
Positive relationships with teachers/coaches
Positive relationships with adults in community
Perceived support by adolescent
(Fitzgerald et al., 2017)
If your teen has any of the risk
factors listed above, you might also watch for the common motivators of
suicide:
Feelings of alienation
Feelings of inadequacy/failure
Feeling psychologically overwhelmed
Desire to leave problems behind
Desire to be reunited with deceased loved ones
(Fitzgerald et al., 2017)
Clearly, the connection you have
with your teen can literally save his or her life. But, trying to understand
suicide can be quite challenging and emotional. There is so much information
out there. Fortunately, there are experts available to help sort through the
information and help you get what you need to save someone’s life. The National
Suicide Prevention Lifeline is a great website to do this:
Burns, D.D. (1999). The feeling good handbook. New York, NY: Plume/Penguin Books.
FitzGerald, C.A., Fullerton, L., Green, D., Hall, M., Y Penaloza, L.J. (2017). The association between positive relationships with adults and suicide-attempt resilience in American Indian youth in New Mexico. The Journal of the National Center, 24(2), 40-53.
I Need a LightHouse. (n.d.). Teen depression. Retrieved from: https://www.ineedalighthouse.org/depression-suicide/teen-depression/
Keijsers,
L., Branje, S., Hawk, S.T., Frijns, T., Koot, H.M., Lier, P.V., Schwartz, S.
J., & Meeus, W. (2012) Forbidden friends as forbidden fruit: Parental
supervision of friendships, contact with deviant peers, and adolescent
delinquency. Child Development, 83(2) 651-666.
Morrison, G.M., Robertson, L., Laurie, B., & Kelly, J. (2002). Protective factors related to antisocial behavior trajectories. Journal of Clinical Psychology, 58, 277-290.
Peale, N.V. (1956). The power of positive thinking. Englewood Cliffs, NJ: Prentice-Hall.
