In the timeless classic Alice’s Adventures in
Wonderland (Carroll, 1865), we meet a young lady who finds herself lost in
unfamiliar surroundings. When Alice finds herself lost in Wonderland’s woods,
she decides that some directions might be in order. The first version of GPS
appears in the form of the Cheshire Cat - although he is about as helpful as an
outdated phonebook! While he does not necessarily help Alice get where she
wants to go, he does get her thinking about the destination. This poignant
exchange seems to resonate with each of us on our own journey and has
implications for parenting as well:
“Alice: Would you tell
me, please, which way I ought to go from here?
The Cheshire Cat: That
depends a good deal on where you want to get to.
Alice: I don’t much
care where.
The Cheshire Cat: Then
it doesn’t much matter which way you go” (Carroll, 1865, pp. 89)
Does our parenting destination matter? In other
words, do we care how our teens turn out and how successful they are on their
own journeys? If the answer is yes, then the way we parent matters. This week
on Connect 4 Your Teen, we discuss different parenting styles and which
has the best outcome for teens.
Before we dive into lesson two, let’s see how you did with last
week’s homework!
Last week’s challenges:
- Schedule time to ask your teen questions
- Take a self-test to see how involved you really are
- Find one thing you can do differently this week to connect
I asked my children some questions this week. Two of them are
teens, two are pre-teens. Here is what they said:
Kids can really provide insight! I learned so much from the few
minutes I interviewed each one of my kids! I never knew I needed more rules,
and that I am so nice because I bought them a dog! I must be doing something
right for my daughter to consider me her best friend, even if I have no time to
do her laundry! I also learned how important it is to help our children when
they are struggling with issues, such as bullying.
Reflecting on their comments makes me want to work on my parenting
techniques. I feel like I am all over the place in how I parent. Do you ever
feel like that? Let’s take a look together at what we can do to become more
consistent.
Now let's talk about parenting styles and figure out "Which Way?" Ever wonder if you are doing it right? Parenting is hard, and finding techniques that fit you and your teens is challenging. In order to Connect 4 Your Teen, you need to figure this out! An article in the Journal of Behavioural Sciences explains why parenting styles are important: "A parental style is an important component that shapes the child's views about themselves and their world" (Sartaj & Aslam, 2010, pp. 47).
Don't be concerned if you didn't know this; understanding parenting styles can be tricky. This lesson is all about helping you learn more about parenting styles and why some are better than others (Baumrind, 1991).
Authoritarian Parenting
First, let’s take a look at this clip about
Authoritarian Parenting. This clip shows the extreme of both Authoritarian
Parenting and Permissive. Take note of the reaction and words the father uses
with his son.
Right off the bat, the father stands with his
arms crossed. His body language alone says a lot about the type of parent he
is. The father is letting his son know who is in charge! I also find it
significant that the father tells his wife, “in order to be a happy, well-adjusted
adult, he has to be miserable now.” This is a great example of forcing his
child to obey rules. Notice the comparison of being a nice parent, or
permissive parent. I love how the son comes out dressed! Is this what really
happens to our teens when we let them do what they want? While this might be an
extreme example, research has shown that both authoritarian and permissive
parenting have negative effects on children (Church, et al, 2015).
Authoritarian parents limit their children's independence and force them to follow strict rules by threatening harsh punishment for violations (Sartaj & Aslam, 2010). How do you suppose a child would respond to that? How does this style help you Connect 4 Your Teen?
Authoritarian parents value:
- Respect for authority
- Tradition
- Controlling the situation
- Absolute set of standards
- Obedience
- Preservation of order
(Dornbusch, Ritter, Leiderman, Roberts, & Fraleigh, 1987).
Permissive parenting
Permissive parenting style is quite the opposite of Authoritarian.
On the surface, everything seems fine with Big Daddy’s newfound
parenting philosophy. Eventually, though, that lack of parenting will catch up
to him.
It has
been found that adolescents with fewer family rules had higher levels of
delinquency throughout adolescence (Church et al., 2015) Are you the type of
parent that thinks kids don’t need rules, structure or guidance? If this is the
case, what is the purpose of parents? Allowing kids to make their own choices
and set their own limits can be fun for a little while, as we just showed you
in the movie Big Daddy. However, research tells us how important parental monitoring
is in preventing delinquent behavior (Church et al., 2015)
Permissive Parents exhibit:
- Few demands
- Low expectations
- Indulgent
- Low expectations for adolescents’ self-control
(Church et al., 2015).
Authoritative Parenting
The last style in this lesson is authoritative parenting, which as you may have guessed, is the Goldlocks approach: "just right." The following clip shows how balanced authoritative parenting can be. Pay attention to the reactions of both parents.
I love how the mom doesn’t lose her cool! She
turns her body to indicate her anger, but doesn’t lash out, as maybe an
authoritarian parent would; the parent who would emphasize obedience. I also
think it’s important to point out how the father explains how both parents care
for their children and they will always be there to help them. This is exactly
what research tells us, “Authoritative parenting style encourages children to
be independent but still places limits and controls on their actions” (Sartaj & Aslam, 2010). This is a balanced
approach and the best way to Connect 4 Your Teen. Research supports
this: “Children of authoritative parents are happy and satisfied with their
parents, and have less psychological problems, [are] self-reliant,
self-controlled, secure, popular, inquisitive, joyful, satisfied, trusting,
loved and hopeful” (Sartaj & Aslam, 2010).
Let’s look at what authoritative parents value:
- expectations of mature behavior
- clear setting of standards by the parents
- firm enforcement of rules and standards
- encouragement of independence and individuality
- open communication
- encouragement of verbal give and-take
- recognition of the rights of both parents and children
Reflective Questions
Now that you have learned a little about the three types, it is time
to ask some deep questions!
- What parenting style do I see myself falling into?
- Do I feel successful in how I parent my teen?
- Where can I make improvements?
Challenge
What can you do this week for another chip in your Connect 4
board? Consider the following ideas:
- How can I incorporate authoritative parenting practices into my parenting style?
- What are specific permissive/authoritarian tendencies I have, and how can I change them?
- Communicate to my teen that limits = love
Next time on Connect 4 Your Teen: "Goldilocks Was No Dummy" - how gradual autonomy granting, open-door communication, and setting limits will help you Connect 4 Your Teen!
Please take a moment to leave some feedback on
this post!
References:
Baumrind, D. (1991). Parenting
styles and adolescent development. In R. Lerner, A. C. Peterson, & J.
Brooks-Gunn (Eds.). The Encyclopedia on
Adolescence (pp. 746-758). NY: Garland.
Carroll,
L. (1865). Alice’s Adventures in Wonderland. New York, NY. MacMillan.
Church, W.T., Jaggers, J.W., Tomek, S., Bolland, A.C., Bolland, K.A., Hooper, L.M., & Bolland, J.M. (2015). Does permissive parenting relate to levels of delinquency? An examination of family management practices in low-income black American families. Journal of Juvenile Justice, 4, 95-110. Retrieved from: https://eds-b-ebscohost-com.byui.idm.oclc.org/eds/detail/detail?vid=24&sid=62db639b-4c64-4060-b66a-8ecf34015d64%40sessionmgr4008&bdata=JnNpdGU9ZWRzLWxpdmU%3d#AN=112195918&db=edb
Dornbusch, S.M., Ritter,
P.L., Leiderman, H.P., Roberts, D.F., & Fraleigh, M.J. (1987). The relation
of parenting style to adolescent school performance. Child Development, 58(5),
1244-1257. Retrieved from: http://www.jstor.org/stable/1130618
Sartaj, B. & Aslam, N. (2010). Role of authoritative and authoritarian parenting in home, health, and emotional adjustment. Journal of Behavioural Sciences, 20, 47-66.
Photo/Video References:
Franks, S., Herlihy, T., & Sandler, A. (1999, June 7). Big Daddy. [Video File]. Retrieved from: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=acs2qgkCHvw
Irizarry, L. (2015, June
27). Authoritarian parenting style clip example. [Video File]. Retrieved from: https://youtu.be/JqwDhzGmnHU
Livewell Magazine.
(2013). Mother and daughter. Retrieved from: https://www.livewellmagazine.org/wp-content/uploads/2013/05/Mother-and-Daughter.jpg
Nitwits. (2017).
Permissive parenting. Retrieved from: http://nitwitslice.com/wp-content/uploads/2017/06/permissive-parenting_nitwits.jpg
Pinterest. (1951).
Alice in wonderland. Retrieved from: https://www.pinterest.com/pin/393009504963513489/
Rodgers, M. (2014,
September 30). Authoritative Parenting- The Cosby Show [Video file]. Retrieved
from: https://youtu.be/d6iFWuNsjqY
Wordpress. (2011). Fighting
teens. Retrieved from: https://chsnews.files.wordpress.com/2011/10/fighting-teens.jpg?w=300&h=277
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