Ah, Goldilocks (1981) - the
tenacious, ill-mannered little girl who we can reasonably assume came from
permissive parents (wandering around the forest alone, barging into someone’s
house, breaking their stuff, eating their food, etc.). While this lack of parenting
is by no means the standard we want to encourage, we can learn something from
Goldilocks’ sense of taste. Last week on Connect 4 Your Teen, we
introduced three parenting styles and encouraged you to take a look at our own
parenting practices and decide which type of parent you are.
Last week’s challenge:
- How can I incorporate authoritative parenting practices into my parenting style?
- What are specific permissive/authoritarian tendencies I have, and how can I change them?
- Communicate to my teen that limits = love
How did you do? Did you figure out
your parenting style? Do you keep your teen on a tight leash (authoritarian)?
Do you give them so much lead that they get tangled up and stumble
(permissive)? Are you somewhere in the middle? As discussed last week,
authoritative parenting might be described as the Goldilocks approach: it’s
neither too hard nor too soft, too hot nor too cold, but “just right.”
This week, we discuss how practices
of authoritative parents, specifically, gradual autonomy granting, an
open-door policy when it comes to parent-teen communication, and setting
limits, can safeguard your teen against problems down the line.
Gradual Autonomy Granting
First, let's talk about gradual autonomy granting. (No, this practice will not turn your child into an autonomous robotic organism!)
In its simplest form, autonomy is
defined as “a self-governing state” (Miriam-Webster, 2018). In other words,
gradual autonomy granting means giving your teen a little freedom here and a
little there, in a progressive manner.
A recent personal experience illustrates gradual autonomy granting. My daughter got her learner's permit a few months ago. For the first few weeks, I literally had the feeling that each time I got in the car with her driving, I was taking a stroll through the "valley of the shadow of death" (Psalms 23:4, King James Version). Simple things, like staying on the right side of the yellow line and not driving with both feet, were completely foreign to her. If we consider the process that teens must go through before they get their driver's license, we will see gradual autonomy granting in motion. We don't toss them the keys on their 16th birthday and turn them loose on the road!
They study the driver's manual, take a test for their permit, log a certain number of hours with a licensed driver, and complete a driver's education course with a certified instructor (who, incidentally, has a brake pedal on his side and has never really set foot in that shady valley). The idea of gradual autonomy granting is to let your teen experience freedom in a way that will be successful for them.
Now that we know WHAT gradual
autonomy granting is, WHY is it important? What does the research say? Erikson
(1959) and other psychologists have suggested that parents allow increased
freedom to promote self-sufficiency. Contemporary research supports this
argument by suggesting that adolescents whose parents promote autonomy
show increased positive developmental outcomes in the areas of internalized
motivation, self-reliance, self-esteem, and social competence (Supple,
Ghazarian, Peterson, & Bush, 2009). Put more simply, gradual-autonomy
granting will help your teen become the best version of themselves. In a
cross-cultural study done on youth from the United States, Mexico, China, and
India, gradual autonomy granting was also found to be associated with teens
feeling supported by parents and working harder at school (Supple et al.,
2009).
So, we know WHAT gradual autonomy granting is and WHY it's important. But HOW do we go about implementing it? Just as a plant needs water and a spot in the sun to grow, autonomy develops in the rich soil of connected relationships with parents (Supple et al., 2009). There's that Connect 4 thing again!
Parent-Teen Communication
One aspect of a positive
parent-teen connection is communication. My daughter (the driver) will often
come home from school and tell me every insignificant detail of her day. It can
seem unimportant sometimes, and occasionally I find my eye twitching. However,
I have come to realize that she talks to me about the big stuff because she’s
comfortable talking to me about the small stuff.
If you have a teenager, chances are
you have worried at some point about your teen doing drugs or ending up
pregnant. The good news is that research is in our corner again! A positive
parent-child communication dynamic can:
- Prevent early sexual intercourse (especially in girls)
- Discourage high-risk behavior
- Moderate the relationship between peer pressure and drug use
- Reduce the effects of negative peer pressure
- Give teens a sense of how to act when parents are not present
(Commendador, 2010; Kung & Farrell, 2000).
In today’s world, having hard
conversations with our teens is inevitable. As cited above, a good
communication dynamic between parents and teens is important—vital, even.
Research also shows that when teens perceive the relationship with parents as
distant, negative consequences follow (Supple et al., 2009; Ryan & Lynch,
1989). When keeping quiet seems easier than breaching sensitive topics,
remember that not talking about these things does more damage than an awkward
conversation ever could. Though they might not admit it, teens have questions.
If they aren’t given the correct information at home they will likely buy into
incorrect information from peers or other sources.
Now, onto homework for this
week!
Learning Outcomes:
- Find out what your teen may have seen or heard at school or through the media
- Ask them if they have questions about sex or anything else
- Remind them often of your “open door” communication philosophy
- Consider whether it’s time for an “update” to a previous talk (Birds & Bees 2.0?)
- Identify “blank space” time in the family schedule (such as car time) when you can connect with your teen
- Monitor your reactions when your teen does come to you:
- Temper your reaction to bad news
- Be enthusiastic about good news or when they confide in you
In closing, here is a word about
limits and why they are important. Click the following link to watch an EXCELLENT video about why teenager tests limits, and how remaining firm shows love for your teen:
https://www.facebook.com/imjoshshipp/videos/10156113480344246/
Reflection Questions:
- How does setting limits show love for my teen?
- Though my teen may complain about rules, how do they really feel?
- What are the consequences of not setting limits for my teen?
Remember: you’re still letting your
teen ride the roller coaster; you’re just making sure they’re safe while they
do.
That’s all for this week! Next time on Connect 4 Your
Teen:
“How to Save a [Teen] Life” – preventing delinquency, depression, and suicide
Reader Survey
We would love to hear your comments
in our reflection section:
General comments
REFERENCES:
Cauley, L.B. (1981). Goldilocks and the Three Bears. New
York, NY: Putnam
Commendador, K.A. (2010).
Parental influences on adolescent decision making and contraceptive use. Pediatric
Nursing, 36, 147-157.
Kung,
E.M., & Farrell, A.D. (2000). The role of parents and peers in early
adolescent substance use: An examination of mediating and moderating effects. Journal
of Child & Family Studies, 9(4), 509-528.
Miriam-Webster. (2018). Autonomy. Retrieved
from: https://www.merriam-webster.com/dictionary/autonomy
Ryan, R.
M., & Lynch, J. (1989). Emotional autonomy versus detachment: Revisiting
the vicissitudes of adolescence and young adulthood. Child Development, 60, 340-356.
Supple, A.J., Ghazarian, S.R., Peterson, G.W., & Bush,
K.R. (2009). Assessing the cross-cultural validity of a parental autonomy
granting measure: Comparing adolescents in the United States, China, Mexico,
and India. Journal of Cross-Cultural Psychology, 40, 816-833.
PHOTO/VIDEO REFERENCES:
Foote
Work. (2016). Foote work customers have higher pass rates on MVD written
drivers’ tests. Retrieved from: http://footework.com/footework-customers-have-higher-pass-rate-on-mvd-written-drivers-tests/
Games
World. (2018). Connect Four. Retrieved from: https://www.gamesworld.com.au/product/connect-4/
High
Ridge Driving School. (2018). Parents’ page. Retrieved from: https://www.highridgedrivingschool.com/parents-page/
Mozilla Tech.
(2017). The search for the Goldilocks browser and why Firefox might be “just
right” for you. Retrieved from: https://medium.com/mozilla-tech/the-search-for-the-goldilocks-browser-and-why-firefox-may-be-just-right-for-you-1f520506aa35
Shipp, J.
(2018). Parenting teens summed up in 90 seconds. [Video file]. Retrieved from: https://www.facebook.com/imjoshshipp/videos/10156113480344246/
Excellent information!
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