Lesson #2 - Which Way?

In the timeless classic Alice’s Adventures in Wonderland (Carroll, 1865), we meet a young lady who finds herself lost in unfamiliar surroundings. When Alice finds herself lost in Wonderland’s woods, she decides that some directions might be in order. The first version of GPS appears in the form of the Cheshire Cat - although he is about as helpful as an outdated phonebook! While he does not necessarily help Alice get where she wants to go, he does get her thinking about the destination. This poignant exchange seems to resonate with each of us on our own journey and has implications for parenting as well:

“Alice: Would you tell me, please, which way I ought to go from here?

The Cheshire Cat: That depends a good deal on where you want to get to.

Alice: I don’t much care where.

The Cheshire Cat: Then it doesn’t much matter which way you go” (Carroll, 1865, pp. 89)

Does our parenting destination matter? In other words, do we care how our teens turn out and how successful they are on their own journeys? If the answer is yes, then the way we parent matters. This week on Connect 4 Your Teen, we discuss different parenting styles and which has the best outcome for teens.

Before we dive into lesson two, let’s see how you did with last week’s homework!

Last week’s challenges:

• Schedule time to ask your teen questions
• Take a self-test to see how involved you really are
• Find one thing you can do differently this week to connect

I asked my children some questions this week. Two of them are teens, two are pre-teens. Here is what they said:

Kids can really provide insight! I learned so much from the few minutes I interviewed each one of my kids! I never knew I needed more rules, and that I am so nice because I bought them a dog! I must be doing something right for my daughter to consider me her best friend, even if I have no time to do her laundry! I also learned how important it is to help our children when they are struggling with issues, such as bullying.

Reflecting on their comments makes me want to work on my parenting techniques. I feel like I am all over the place in how I parent. Do you ever feel like that? Let’s take a look together at what we can do to become more consistent.

Now let's talk about parenting styles and figure out "Which Way?" Ever wonder if you are doing it right? Parenting is hard, and finding techniques that fit you and your teens is challenging. In order to Connect 4 Your Teen, you need to figure this out! An article in the Journal of Behavioural Sciences explains why parenting styles are important: "A parental style is an important component that shapes the child's views about themselves and their world" (Sartaj & Aslam, 2010, pp. 47).

Don't be concerned if you didn't know this; understanding parenting styles can be tricky. This lesson is all about helping you learn more about parenting styles and why some are better than others (Baumrind, 1991).

Authoritarian Parenting

First, let’s take a look at this clip about Authoritarian Parenting. This clip shows the extreme of both Authoritarian Parenting and Permissive. Take note of the reaction and words the father uses with his son.

Right off the bat, the father stands with his arms crossed. His body language alone says a lot about the type of parent he is. The father is letting his son know who is in charge! I also find it significant that the father tells his wife, “in order to be a happy, well-adjusted adult, he has to be miserable now.” This is a great example of forcing his child to obey rules.  Notice the comparison of being a nice parent, or permissive parent. I love how the son comes out dressed! Is this what really happens to our teens when we let them do what they want? While this might be an extreme example, research has shown that both authoritarian and permissive parenting have negative effects on children (Church, et al, 2015).

Authoritarian parents limit their children's independence and force them to follow strict rules by threatening harsh punishment for violations (Sartaj & Aslam, 2010). How do you suppose a child would respond to that? How does this style help you Connect 4 Your Teen?

Authoritarian parents value:

• Respect for authority
• Tradition
• Controlling the situation
• Absolute set of standards
• Obedience
• Preservation of order

(Dornbusch, Ritter, Leiderman, Roberts, & Fraleigh, 1987).

Permissive parenting

Permissive parenting style is quite the opposite of Authoritarian.

On the surface, everything seems fine with Big Daddy’s newfound parenting philosophy. Eventually, though, that lack of parenting will catch up to him.

 It has been found that adolescents with fewer family rules had higher levels of delinquency throughout adolescence (Church et al., 2015) Are you the type of parent that thinks kids don’t need rules, structure or guidance? If this is the case, what is the purpose of parents? Allowing kids to make their own choices and set their own limits can be fun for a little while, as we just showed you in the movie Big Daddy. However, research tells us how important parental monitoring is in preventing delinquent behavior (Church et al., 2015)

Permissive Parents exhibit:

• Few demands
• Low expectations
• Indulgent
• Low expectations for adolescents’ self-control

(Church et al., 2015).

Authoritative Parenting

The last style in this lesson is authoritative parenting, which as you may have guessed, is the Goldlocks approach: "just right." The following clip shows how balanced authoritative parenting can be. Pay attention to the reactions of both parents.

I love how the mom doesn’t lose her cool! She turns her body to indicate her anger, but doesn’t lash out, as maybe an authoritarian parent would; the parent who would emphasize obedience. I also think it’s important to point out how the father explains how both parents care for their children and they will always be there to help them. This is exactly what research tells us, “Authoritative parenting style encourages children to be independent but still places limits and controls on their actions” (Sartaj & Aslam, 2010). This is a balanced approach and the best way to Connect 4 Your Teen. Research supports this: “Children of authoritative parents are happy and satisfied with their parents, and have less psychological problems, [are] self-reliant, self-controlled, secure, popular, inquisitive, joyful, satisfied, trusting, loved and hopeful” (Sartaj & Aslam, 2010). 

Let’s look at what authoritative parents value:

• expectations of mature behavior
• clear setting of standards by the parents
• firm enforcement of rules and standards
• encouragement of independence and  individuality
• open communication
• encouragement of verbal give and-take
• recognition of the rights of both parents and children

Reflective Questions

Now that you have learned a little about the three types, it is time to ask some deep questions!

• What parenting style do I see myself falling into?
• Do I feel successful in how I parent my teen?
• Where can I make improvements?

Challenge

What can you do this week for another chip in your Connect 4 board? Consider the following ideas:

• How can I incorporate authoritative parenting practices into my parenting style?
• What are specific permissive/authoritarian tendencies I have, and how can I change them?
• Communicate to my teen that limits = love

Next time on Connect 4 Your Teen: "Goldilocks Was No Dummy" - how gradual autonomy granting, open-door communication, and setting limits will help you Connect 4 Your Teen!

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References:

Baumrind, D. (1991). Parenting styles and adolescent development. In R. Lerner, A. C. Peterson, & J. Brooks-Gunn (Eds.). The Encyclopedia on Adolescence (pp. 746-758). NY: Garland.

Carroll, L. (1865). Alice’s Adventures in Wonderland. New York, NY. MacMillan.

Church, W.T., Jaggers, J.W., Tomek, S., Bolland, A.C., Bolland, K.A., Hooper, L.M., & Bolland, J.M. (2015). Does permissive parenting relate to levels of delinquency? An examination of family management practices in low-income black American families. Journal of Juvenile Justice, 4, 95-110. Retrieved from: https://eds-b-ebscohost-com.byui.idm.oclc.org/eds/detail/detail?vid=24&sid=62db639b-4c64-4060-b66a-8ecf34015d64%40sessionmgr4008&bdata=JnNpdGU9ZWRzLWxpdmU%3d#AN=112195918&db=edb

Dornbusch, S.M., Ritter, P.L., Leiderman, H.P., Roberts, D.F., & Fraleigh, M.J. (1987). The relation of parenting style to adolescent school performance. Child Development, 58(5), 1244-1257. Retrieved from:  http://www.jstor.org/stable/1130618

Sartaj, B. & Aslam, N. (2010). Role of authoritative and authoritarian parenting in home, health, and emotional adjustment. Journal of Behavioural Sciences, 20, 47-66.

Photo/Video References:

Franks, S., Herlihy, T., & Sandler, A. (1999, June 7). Big Daddy. [Video File]. Retrieved from: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=acs2qgkCHvw

Irizarry, L. (2015, June 27). Authoritarian parenting style clip example. [Video File]. Retrieved from: https://youtu.be/JqwDhzGmnHU

Livewell Magazine. (2013). Mother and daughter. Retrieved from: https://www.livewellmagazine.org/wp-content/uploads/2013/05/Mother-and-Daughter.jpg

Nitwits. (2017). Permissive parenting. Retrieved from: http://nitwitslice.com/wp-content/uploads/2017/06/permissive-parenting_nitwits.jpg

Pinterest. (1951). Alice in wonderland. Retrieved from: https://www.pinterest.com/pin/393009504963513489/

Rodgers, M. (2014, September 30). Authoritative Parenting- The Cosby Show [Video file]. Retrieved from: https://youtu.be/d6iFWuNsjqY

Wordpress. (2011). Fighting teens. Retrieved from: https://chsnews.files.wordpress.com/2011/10/fighting-teens.jpg?w=300&h=277

Lesson #3 Goldilocks Was No Dummy

Ah, Goldilocks (1981) - the tenacious, ill-mannered little girl who we can reasonably assume came from permissive parents (wandering around the forest alone, barging into someone’s house, breaking their stuff, eating their food, etc.). While this lack of parenting is by no means the standard we want to encourage, we can learn something from Goldilocks’ sense of taste. Last week on Connect 4 Your Teen, we introduced three parenting styles and encouraged you to take a look at our own parenting practices and decide which type of parent you are.

Last week’s challenge:

• How can I incorporate authoritative parenting practices into my parenting style?
• What are specific permissive/authoritarian tendencies I have, and how can I change them?
• Communicate to my teen that limits = love

How did you do? Did you figure out your parenting style? Do you keep your teen on a tight leash (authoritarian)? Do you give them so much lead that they get tangled up and stumble (permissive)? Are you somewhere in the middle? As discussed last week, authoritative parenting might be described as the Goldilocks approach: it’s neither too hard nor too soft, too hot nor too cold, but “just right.”

This week, we discuss how practices of authoritative parents, specifically, gradual autonomy granting, an open-door policy when it comes to parent-teen communication, and setting limits, can safeguard your teen against problems down the line.

Gradual Autonomy Granting

First, let's talk about gradual autonomy granting. (No, this practice will not turn your child into an autonomous robotic organism!)

In its simplest form, autonomy is defined as “a self-governing state” (Miriam-Webster, 2018). In other words, gradual autonomy granting means giving your teen a little freedom here and a little there, in a progressive manner.

A recent personal experience illustrates gradual autonomy granting. My daughter got her learner's permit a few months ago. For the first few weeks, I literally had the feeling that each time I got in the car with her driving, I was taking a stroll through the "valley of the shadow of death" (Psalms 23:4, King James Version). Simple things, like staying on the right side of the yellow line and not driving with both feet, were completely foreign to her. If we consider the process that teens must go through before they get their driver's license, we will see gradual autonomy granting in motion. We don't toss them the keys on their 16th birthday and turn them loose on the road!

They study the driver's manual, take a test for their permit, log a certain number of hours with a licensed driver, and complete a driver's education course with a certified instructor (who, incidentally, has a brake pedal on his side and has never really set foot in that shady valley). The idea of gradual autonomy granting is to let your teen experience freedom in a way that will be successful for them.

Now that we know WHAT gradual autonomy granting is, WHY is it important? What does the research say? Erikson (1959) and other psychologists have suggested that parents allow increased freedom to promote self-sufficiency. Contemporary research supports this argument by suggesting that adolescents whose parents promote autonomy show increased positive developmental outcomes in the areas of internalized motivation, self-reliance, self-esteem, and social competence (Supple, Ghazarian, Peterson, & Bush, 2009). Put more simply, gradual-autonomy granting will help your teen become the best version of themselves. In a cross-cultural study done on youth from the United States, Mexico, China, and India, gradual autonomy granting was also found to be associated with teens feeling supported by parents and working harder at school (Supple et al., 2009).

So, we know WHAT gradual autonomy granting is and WHY it's important. But HOW do we go about implementing it? Just as a plant needs water and a spot in the sun to grow, autonomy develops in the rich soil of connected relationships with parents (Supple et al., 2009). There's that Connect 4 thing again!

Parent-Teen Communication

One aspect of a positive parent-teen connection is communication. My daughter (the driver) will often come home from school and tell me every insignificant detail of her day. It can seem unimportant sometimes, and occasionally I find my eye twitching. However, I have come to realize that she talks to me about the big stuff because she’s comfortable talking to me about the small stuff.

If you have a teenager, chances are you have worried at some point about your teen doing drugs or ending up pregnant. The good news is that research is in our corner again! A positive parent-child communication dynamic can:

• Prevent early sexual intercourse (especially in girls)
• Discourage high-risk behavior
• Moderate the relationship between peer pressure and drug use
• Reduce the effects of negative peer pressure
• Give teens a sense of how to act when parents are not present

 (Commendador, 2010; Kung & Farrell, 2000).

In today’s world, having hard conversations with our teens is inevitable. As cited above, a good communication dynamic between parents and teens is important—vital, even. Research also shows that when teens perceive the relationship with parents as distant, negative consequences follow (Supple et al., 2009; Ryan & Lynch, 1989). When keeping quiet seems easier than breaching sensitive topics, remember that not talking about these things does more damage than an awkward conversation ever could. Though they might not admit it, teens have questions. If they aren’t given the correct information at home they will likely buy into incorrect information from peers or other sources.

Now, onto homework for this week!

Learning Outcomes:

• Find out what your teen may have seen or heard at school or through the media
• Ask them if they have questions about sex or anything else
• Remind them often of your “open door” communication philosophy
• Consider whether it’s time for an “update” to a previous talk (Birds & Bees 2.0?)
• Identify “blank space” time in the family schedule (such as car time) when you can connect with your teen
• Monitor your reactions when your teen does come to you:
• Temper your reaction to bad news
• Be enthusiastic about good news or when they confide in you

 Setting Limits

In closing, here is a word about limits and why they are important. Click the following link to watch an EXCELLENT video about why teenager tests limits, and how remaining firm shows love for your teen:

https://www.facebook.com/imjoshshipp/videos/10156113480344246/

Reflection Questions:

• How does setting limits show love for my teen?
• Though my teen may complain about rules, how do they really feel?
• What are the consequences of not setting limits for my teen?

Remember: you’re still letting your teen ride the roller coaster; you’re just making sure they’re safe while they do.

That’s all for this week! Next time on Connect 4 Your Teen:

“How to Save a [Teen] Life” – preventing delinquency, depression, and suicide

Reader Survey

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 REFERENCES:

Cauley, L.B. (1981). Goldilocks and the Three Bears. New York, NY: Putnam

Commendador, K.A. (2010). Parental influences on adolescent decision making and contraceptive use. Pediatric Nursing, 36, 147-157.

Kung, E.M., & Farrell, A.D. (2000). The role of parents and peers in early adolescent substance use: An examination of mediating and moderating effects. Journal of Child & Family Studies, 9(4), 509-528.

Miriam-Webster. (2018). Autonomy. Retrieved from: https://www.merriam-webster.com/dictionary/autonomy

Ryan, R. M., & Lynch, J. (1989). Emotional autonomy versus detachment: Revisiting the vicissitudes of adolescence and young adulthood. Child Development, 60, 340-356.

Supple, A.J., Ghazarian, S.R., Peterson, G.W., & Bush, K.R. (2009). Assessing the cross-cultural validity of a parental autonomy granting measure: Comparing adolescents in the United States, China, Mexico, and India. Journal of Cross-Cultural Psychology, 40, 816-833.

PHOTO/VIDEO REFERENCES:

Foote Work. (2016). Foote work customers have higher pass rates on MVD written drivers’ tests. Retrieved from: http://footework.com/footework-customers-have-higher-pass-rate-on-mvd-written-drivers-tests/

Games World. (2018). Connect Four. Retrieved from: https://www.gamesworld.com.au/product/connect-4/

High Ridge Driving School. (2018). Parents’ page. Retrieved from: https://www.highridgedrivingschool.com/parents-page/

Mozilla Tech. (2017). The search for the Goldilocks browser and why Firefox might be “just right” for you. Retrieved from: https://medium.com/mozilla-tech/the-search-for-the-goldilocks-browser-and-why-firefox-may-be-just-right-for-you-1f520506aa35

Shipp, J. (2018). Parenting teens summed up in 90 seconds. [Video file]. Retrieved from: https://www.facebook.com/imjoshshipp/videos/10156113480344246/

You Tube. (2015). Autobots roll out Transformers. Retrieved from: https://www.google.com/search?q=AUTOBOTS&source=lnms&tbm=isch&sa=X&ved=0ahUKEwiPwZ_E07nZAhUSJt8KHRvUCfEQ_AUICigB&biw=1280&bih=615#imgrc=Y4V0Bgde0-HCPM:

Lesson #1 - Why Connect 4?

Most of us have played Connect 4 with our kids at some point, most likely back in the good ol’ days when they still begged for attention. Now it seems the tables have turned - the big eyes that once pleaded for parental favor are rolling at everything we say. Hall (1916) referred to adolescence as a time of storm and stress. It’s no wonder that because of this prevailing portrait of teendom, many parents feel ambivalent about facing this stage with their children. Though the majority of them wouldn’t admit it, teens need their parents more than ever. Research has shown that teens are less likely to engage in delinquency when they have a strong connection to one or both parents (Hair, Moore, Garrett, Ling, & Cleveland, 2008). So, in a world polluted with parenting advice, we submit that the best way to parent a teenager is . . . to play Connect 4!

During the next several weeks, six lessons will be presented on this blog that will help you Connect 4 Your Teen. Every parenting skill you gain from this curriculum is another Connect 4 chip in your column, and one step closer to winning the game! 

Weekly lessons will cover:

·       The vital nature of the parent-teen relationship

·       Different parenting styles and how each one affects the parent-teen relationship and the teen’s behavior

·       Setting limits, gradual autonomy granting, and conquering conversations about sex, drugs, or other sensitive topics

·       Antisocial behavior such as delinquency, depression, and suicide

·       Prosocial behavior such as academic achievement, appropriate development, and self-esteem

·       Teens and technology - specifically, technology addiction, social media, cyberbullying, and parental monitoring

Since there’s no time like the present (and those teens aren’t getting any younger), let’s start right away! First up: the parent-teen connection.

In his book, Roehling (2003) states that a highly involved family can be a safe haven for teenagers. Connecting with your teens can provide this haven.

 

One study found that positive relationships between adolescents and their parents predicted significantly lower levels of delinquency and higher levels of well-being (Hair et al., 2008). The same study also documented the efficacy of family activities in discouraging acting-out behavior (Hair et al., 2008). How do you know if you have a positive relationship with your teen? Ask them! For the parental relationship to run interference for teens, it must be perceived as positive by the teen (Hair et al., 2008).

 

Not only does the parent-teen connection discourage delinquency and promote mental wellbeing in adolescents (Hair et. al, 2008), it may have physical benefits as well. One study observed greater response to flu vaccines in children with positive parental connections. The researchers actually documented greater antibody production in kids who had good parental relations (O’Connor et al., 2015). We’re going to go out on a limb here, and declare that the importance of the parent-teen connection simply cannot be overstated!

As previously stated, the teenage years are a significant time of development and both parents and teens have many challenges. What will you do to foster a positive connection with your teen? Start by taking a moment to see how you are doing:

·       How do I balance freedom and safety for my teen?

·       How do I help shape my teen’s identity based on values?

·       How do I help my teen without offending them and pushing them away?

·       Do I feel connected to my teen?

Watch this short video about the development of teens. Hopefully, this clip will be able to capture the essence of this complicated stage for you.

Learning Outcomes

Let’s get connected!

Don’t assume that, since you're the parent, you are connected with your teen. Teens are in the stage of their life where they want to be their OWN person. The adorably dimpled toddlers who once depended on Mom and Dad for everything morph into angsty beings vying for independence. However, teens still need their parents, possibly more than ever. Consider the following suggestions:

1.     Identify strengths and weaknesses in your current relationship with your teen

2.     Set goals for strengthening the parent-teen relationship

3.     Learn about parenting practices best suited for parent-teen interactions

Sometimes parents and teens just don’t get each other. Take this clip from Freaky Friday, for instance:

Other than allowing yourself a humorous interlude, what did you gain from watching this clip? What did you learn? Take a moment to write down what impressed you most. How will you incorporate these impressions into your parenting?

Now, onto homework!

Reflection Questions

Taking time to reflect on this post can help strengthen your skills as a parent:

·       If asked, would my teen say that he or she has a positive relationship with me?

·       When was the last time I asked my teen about his/her day, then listened to the answer?

·       Do I know what makes my teen feel loved? Have I used this method to communicate my affection?

Challenge

What can you do this week for another chip in your Connect 4 board? Consider the following ideas:

·       Schedule time to ask your teen questions

·       Take a self-test to see how involved you really are

·       Find one thing you can do differently this week to connect

That’s all for this week! Next time on Connect 4 Your Teen:

“Which Way?” - Explore different parenting styles and how each one affects the parent-teen relationship and adolescent behavior.

Please take a moment to leave some feedback on this post!
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REFERENCES:

Hall, G.S. (1916). Adolescence. New York, NY. Appleton.

Hair, E.C., Moore, K.A., Garrett, S.B., Ling, T., & Cleveland, K. (2008). The continued importance of quality parent-adolescent relationships during late adolescence. Journal of Research on Adolescence, 18, 187-200.

O’Connor, T.G., Wang, H., Moynihan, J.A., Wyman, P.A., Carnahan, J., Lofthus, G., Quataert, S.A., Bowman, M., Burke, A.S., & Caserta, M.T. (2015). Observed parent–child relationship quality predicts antibody response to vaccination in children. Brain Behavior and Immunity, 48, 265-273.

Roehling, P.V., Moeh, P., & Batt, R. (2003). When work spills over into the home and home spills over into work. In p. Moen (Ed.), It's about time: Couples and careers (PP.101-121). Ithaca, NY: Cornell University Press.

  

PHOTO/VIDEO REFERENCES:

Amazon. (2018). Connect Four replacement checkers. Retrieved from:

https://www.google.com/search?q=connect+four+chip&source=lnms&tbm=isch&sa=X&ved=0ahUKEwjf5enOzZbZAhXNq1MKHaG4BFwQ_AUICygC&biw=1280&bih=615#imgrc=fXzZSbkQgwOfJM

Dixon, L., & Hach, H. (2003, August 6). Freaky Friday [Video file]. Retrieved from: https://youtu.be/HB2fUjeDR30

Moffit, M. (2016, February 14). Why are teens so moody? [Video file]. Retrieved from https://youtu.be/du8siPJ1ZKo

Pinterest. (2018). UCLA quarterback Brett Hundley (17) runs interference for running back Johnathan Franklin. Retrieved from: https://www.google.com/search?q=run+interference&source=lnms&tbm=isch&sa=X&ved=0ahUKEwiUvP6DzZbZAhVNvlMKHV-JA3QQ_AUICygC&biw=1280&bih=615#imgrc=vSKjQ4KLDNiRMM

Queensmedallion.com. (2018). Retrieved from: https://www.google.com/search?biw=1280&bih=615&tbm=isch&sa=1&ei=lWl8WrTxGYXwzgLw27nQBg&q=safe+from+storm&oq=safe+from+storm&gs_l=psy-ab.3..0i5i30k1j0i8i30k1.3096.6883.0.7073.20.19.0.0.0.0.112.1158.16j1.18.0....0...1.1.64.psy-ab..3.16.1108.0..0j0i67k1j0i24k1.129.R1N0P69niX8#imgdii=w7ggN_UmHr0JFM:&imgrc=JonPxEzvH5W7NM